Welcome to the Neighbourhood … local style

15 10 2008

Yesterday, I receive in the mail a flyer from the local community association.

It reads:

“Meet and Greet Night; To welcome new residents. Friday 17th October From 5p.m. Free glass of champagne and nibblies on arrival. Full meal and bar service available all evening. If you are new to the area, come along and meet the committee and residents. Have a great night and be entertained by our local crooner, [Some Guy]”

Wow … what a good idea …maybe if I attend I can get people to stop staring at me in the street

Maybe I’ll get a chance to woo them with my brilliant personality …

Or simply explain the reason why I wear a stocking on one leg.

My mind fills with visions of me theatrically putting a hand over my forehead, head turned yelling “I am not an animal!” … followed by … “It’s a medical condition”  

Okay that might be a tad over the top.

New vision: I am circulating amongst my small town community with ease and charm as I tell them the woes of my disabled leg and the injustices of the public health system in this country …  plus didn’t it say something about a free drink?

Next problem; convince the fiancée.

Fiancee is a computer nerd … dealing with people is not his strong point.

No problem I’ll just flutter my little eye-lashes … and employ my persuasive skills …

Yeah, I’m going to have to work harder than Keanu Reeves trying to set his face into an expression …

“Honey …” I say ever so sweetly.

“Mmmm…” Fiancee refuses to look up from his computer ..

“Are you busy, hon?” I continue despite his inability to move his head even an inch from the computer screen.

Fiancee sighs … did I see him roll his eyes? “One sec” he says

I start planning my verbal plan of attack … in my head of course.

Five minutes later Fiancee turns away from the computer and gives me his undivided attention.

Here goes …  (watch my highly tuned skills of persuasion)

“Guess what?” (don’t wait for an answer or he’ll suspect he’s about to be talked into doing something he doesn’t want to do) “We got this really interesting flyer in the mail”

“Uh … huh” he sounds confused …Why is he confused already, it’s only a flyer!

I pick up the orange paper of interest and sashay over to his side putting eye-lash fluttering into full effect … I thrust the paper under his nose with triumph … ha!

“See it’s a welcoming committee” I start

Fiancee is silent … this could still go either way here …

I continue “Wouldn’t you like to meet some people in the area?”

“No” says Fiancee flatly.

“But hon, it says there are free drinks and food … and bar service all night … it sounds pretty flash for a small town … it could be fun” (back to the eyelashes – don’t forget the eyelashes)

“But I have free food and drinks here at home … and if I go to the bottle shop I too can have bar service” he says with a playful yet smug grin.

Okay subtle isn’t my thing obviously … patience too doesn’t figure much in my personality … I give up the pretences and go for broke ..

“Okay, I want to go” I breathe out while talking … had I been holding my breath?

“Okay, I don’t want to go” he says flatly but can’t seem to shake his smug smile …

Steam starts pouring from my ears … his stupid smug smile is getting under my skin … deep breath … don’t give up

“Honey, it could be my chance to explain to people why I wear a stocking on one leg and get them to stop staring at me” I say imploringly.

He rolls his eyes “I’m sure you’re over-reacting and that was all in your head … she probably thought she knew you or something”

Why is it men never believe you when you tell them people are staring at you?

But that’s a different battle; he’s simply trying to distract me with a new argument to make me forget the current one … very cunning… but I’m not falling for it!

I decide to try the I’m really sad tactic .. I look at the floor and say quietly “Honey it’s nearby and you never know who you might meet, it could be fun”

“Where is it then?” Fiancee says, still not convinced but he seems to be weakening … or he’s just toying with me for his own sick amusement

I grab the flyer … sensing victory … but keeping the smile off my face …

Wait a minute …

I know there’s a location here somewhere … or an address …

Oh. My. God!

No location. No address. Nothing!

I whisper this revelation to Fiancee dejectedly.

Fiancee is laughing …

loudly …

at my expense.

Fiancee might be cashing in his ambulance insurance if he doesn’t stop laughing.

They really don’t like new people in this town do they?

I’m guessing that woman that was staring at me the other day was the president of the community association …

When you think about it it’s pretty funny …

Hey newcomers there’s a party for you in your honour … you’re welcome to attend …

if you can find it …

I had my outfit picked out and everything.

I’m totally crushed.