Musings of the Data Entry Temp …

12 05 2009

Welcome …

Let me show you to your cubicle …

Over here in the corner …

With a lovely view of the wall …

It’s okay, it’s white …

You’ll love it!

Plus, you’re forgetting the stunning view of the oversized clock on the wall …

It’ll help you keep track of the minutes, I mean seconds … the never-ending seconds…

as you while away the day at work …

I’m sorry … did you say ‘Window’?

*cough*

See that pile of papers over there …

Ha ha …

No the bigger pile behind it …

The one that looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa …

Yeah … 

Grab that … you’re going to need it …

Ha, ha … look at that … you can’t even see over it …

Let me help you …

I’ll introduce you to some people …

Only the three that sit around you …

That’s all you’ll need …

Cause you’re a data entry temp …

There’s really no point in us learning your name …

Not that I’d say that out loud of course …

Now, where were we …

Oh that’s right, I was showing you the arduous, yet repetitive tasks you’ll be performing for the week …

*slap*

Hey wake up!

This is your life for the next week and you better like it …

Now, let me show you the tea room …

It’s the best part about this place …

There are lounges …

A table …

Nescafe coffee … only the best for our staff …

Well actually we get it cheap because we buy it in bulk, but don’t tell anyone I told you that …

Oh yeah, did anyone mention that you need you’re own coffee cup …

No? That’s okay, there’s a couple of cups just for such an emergency …

Don’t mind those stains, I think the cup was made by Bill’s* kid in school – they are meant to be there …

Yes Julie, Bill had a  kid that made stuff at school …

huh? No kids … well maybe it was Ben or one of the other guys from upstairs …

Anyway, the glorious tea room, or mecca as we jokingly refer to it … is where you’ll get to hang out with the staff …

Yes Julie, I know nobody really calls it that it’s just what I like to call it …

What?

Since Today okay? Stop interrupting me alright!

As I was saying, this is where you’ll get to know people in a relaxing environment…

But don’t worry, they won’t bother talking to you …

Because you’re a temp …

Ha, ha!

What’s that you say?

You’re going to talk to them!

Ha, ha – you know I think you might be a keeper …

Let me know how that goes …

Usually you’ll just get what I like to call the “stunned mullet” expression, followed by them continuing a conversation with someone, anyone else …

Ha ha, get them on their own you say?

*chuckle* so young, so naiive …

Anyway, you’ll have to go out the back door here because the way we came in needs a swipe card …

Which you don’t have …

And we won’t give you one because you’re not going to be here long …

Oh yeah, and the bathroom is over there … 

But you need a swipe card to get back into the building …

Oh that’s right, you can take the back door …

It leads outside but you can walk around the building into the front door …

Yes, I know it’s winter but if you jog you’ll be fine …

Besides it’ll help you wake up out of that Data Entry Coma you’ll fall into after twenty minutes …

So let me know if you have any questions …

My desk is that way *points in some vague direction*

Meep!

(Inspired by true events, i.e. like Hollywood much poetic license has been applied)

*All names are fictional, if real people have these names they should create a Facebook page and link to this blog to make it more popular, correspondence with real or actual living persons is unintentional as I was the data entry temp and didn’t bother to learn your names either.





Dear Dad, Yet Another Confession to Make …

20 10 2008

As you know from a couple of previous posts my Dad’s computer has been holding me hostage. (Relevant post 1 and relevant post 2)

Whenever the thing turns off, it refuses to turn back on for at least 24 hours.

The last time it happened, it magically turned back on as if nothing was wrong.

I vowed never to turn it off again.

My vow was as stupid as the people who advertised the Titanic as the ship that can never sink …

Yep, the universe had its revenge over my “vow”

Everything went swimmingly for a couple of days …

I kept the computer on …

I remembered to remove all my writing drafts and ideas to another computer …

Yep, fine …

Until …

One night I was playing World of Warcraft … (computer game)

I spent hours previously downloading all the new rules in the latest update …

It took three hours to get it all done …

Then another couple of hours fiddling and understanding all the new rules.

Then I go to do my first quest of the evening …

I see the dragon, I plan my tactics, I select him with the mouse and press the key for certain destruction …

Then my apartment is plunged into darkness …

Yep, a freakin power failure!!

I sat in darkness for all of a minute before power was blissfully restored to our tiny apartment …

Except for the computer …

Like a movie star throwing their first hissy fit; it refuses to turn on.

I stand there looking at it with my mouth gaping open and opening and closing my fists …

But … But the Dragon … I was going to kill it …

I launch an expletive into the air and flounce over to my laptop …

My laptop is over three years old …

It can run the game with all the video settings on low …

The graphics look like I’m running an Atari or Commodore 64.

Argh!

I try to turn the computer on every hour without success …

24 hours later, the computer once again springs into action with a song …

It acts like nothing was ever wrong …

It pretends there is no bad blood between us …

But I know it is smirking at me …

After some hesitation, I settle into playing my computer game again …

Just when I think it is safe …

The computer shows a black screen …

Followed by a blue screen …

Not the blue screen of death thank god but instead it has a message for me …

It reads: “The computer is shutting down. Updating 1 of 12.

A freakin Vista Automatic Update!

What the heck!

Why was there no warning?

Why didn’t it tell me to close down all the programs before it closed the computer down …

Argh!

I sit there frozen in front of the computer screen …

I can’t think of anything to do except watch in horror …

The computer shuts down and then attempts to restart.

The computer gets half way through the re-start before it stops …

It goes silent …

That amber light is flashing again!

Like Oliver Twist it’s saying “Please sir, I’d like some more” …

More power I’m guessing …

Like a doctor in the emergency room on a TV show I’m running around yelling “Get it some more power, STAT!”

Except nobody can hear me.

Anyway, I’m sitting here now at my Laptop …

Eyeing Dad’s computer from across the room …

But not with pride as he did; contempt is my friend this day.

So I write to you, Dad.

Yes, you!

This is my confession to you, as I need to inform you that …

I’ve thrown your impossible computer over the balcony …

I’m sorry …

There I said it …

It was the only way to take the smirk off its face …

Yeah, I know computers don’t have faces but this one did …

Yes, I should say Yes and not yeah …

I know you think I’m joking …

But I’m not …

I just snapped …

I watched it fly over the railing with a smile as I sent it on its way …

To the computer after-life …

I sighed with relief as it hit the ground with a crunch that echoed across the courtyard.

I grin to think of your reaction to this letter.

I’m also informing you that if you ever purchase another computer product made by DELL; it will be over between us!

All my love, Silvergirl2010.