Musings of the Data Entry Temp …

12 05 2009

Welcome …

Let me show you to your cubicle …

Over here in the corner …

With a lovely view of the wall …

It’s okay, it’s white …

You’ll love it!

Plus, you’re forgetting the stunning view of the oversized clock on the wall …

It’ll help you keep track of the minutes, I mean seconds … the never-ending seconds…

as you while away the day at work …

I’m sorry … did you say ‘Window’?

*cough*

See that pile of papers over there …

Ha ha …

No the bigger pile behind it …

The one that looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa …

Yeah … 

Grab that … you’re going to need it …

Ha, ha … look at that … you can’t even see over it …

Let me help you …

I’ll introduce you to some people …

Only the three that sit around you …

That’s all you’ll need …

Cause you’re a data entry temp …

There’s really no point in us learning your name …

Not that I’d say that out loud of course …

Now, where were we …

Oh that’s right, I was showing you the arduous, yet repetitive tasks you’ll be performing for the week …

*slap*

Hey wake up!

This is your life for the next week and you better like it …

Now, let me show you the tea room …

It’s the best part about this place …

There are lounges …

A table …

Nescafe coffee … only the best for our staff …

Well actually we get it cheap because we buy it in bulk, but don’t tell anyone I told you that …

Oh yeah, did anyone mention that you need you’re own coffee cup …

No? That’s okay, there’s a couple of cups just for such an emergency …

Don’t mind those stains, I think the cup was made by Bill’s* kid in school – they are meant to be there …

Yes Julie, Bill had a  kid that made stuff at school …

huh? No kids … well maybe it was Ben or one of the other guys from upstairs …

Anyway, the glorious tea room, or mecca as we jokingly refer to it … is where you’ll get to hang out with the staff …

Yes Julie, I know nobody really calls it that it’s just what I like to call it …

What?

Since Today okay? Stop interrupting me alright!

As I was saying, this is where you’ll get to know people in a relaxing environment…

But don’t worry, they won’t bother talking to you …

Because you’re a temp …

Ha, ha!

What’s that you say?

You’re going to talk to them!

Ha, ha – you know I think you might be a keeper …

Let me know how that goes …

Usually you’ll just get what I like to call the “stunned mullet” expression, followed by them continuing a conversation with someone, anyone else …

Ha ha, get them on their own you say?

*chuckle* so young, so naiive …

Anyway, you’ll have to go out the back door here because the way we came in needs a swipe card …

Which you don’t have …

And we won’t give you one because you’re not going to be here long …

Oh yeah, and the bathroom is over there … 

But you need a swipe card to get back into the building …

Oh that’s right, you can take the back door …

It leads outside but you can walk around the building into the front door …

Yes, I know it’s winter but if you jog you’ll be fine …

Besides it’ll help you wake up out of that Data Entry Coma you’ll fall into after twenty minutes …

So let me know if you have any questions …

My desk is that way *points in some vague direction*

Meep!

(Inspired by true events, i.e. like Hollywood much poetic license has been applied)

*All names are fictional, if real people have these names they should create a Facebook page and link to this blog to make it more popular, correspondence with real or actual living persons is unintentional as I was the data entry temp and didn’t bother to learn your names either.

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An Amusing Interlude …

26 10 2008

Well it was amusing to me at any rate. It is also completely true!

Yesterday (Saturday morning), I was standing in line at Woolworths.

It was the express lane, but let me tell you there was nothing EXPRESS about it!

Why do I ALWAYS pick the slow lane?

So while waiting in the slow lane something very amusing happened.

I mean it was so amusing I don’t think even comedy skit writers could have dreamed this up.

Like the siren on an approaching police car, I heard the small child crying as she came closer …

Well I’m sure it started out as a cry …

It had actually reached that stage just a notch below scream proportions …

Anyone who’s been around kids knows it.

I mean it’s the kind of cry that makes you think somebody lost a limb …

If nothing else, I’m thinking that a trip to the hospital is in somebody’s future.

At last I see the source of the hideous noise…

A noise that makes me wonder why I drank so many bourbons last night and how on earth did I manage to be in THIS Woolworths on THIS day at THIS time?

The source of the noise is a young girl perched on her mothers’ hip …

As I see her, she stops her tirade …

She has blonde hair and is wearing a pink dress with a blue vest over it.

Her face is blotchy and red …

Little tears running down her face …

She’s actually pretty cute …

Oh it’s nearly heart-breaking …

Then that god-awful noise starts again …

Yeah, it’s no longer heart-breaking …

I just wanna kill the kid …

Anything to make her be QUIET!

But then I’d have to leave the slow lane … and it’s my turn next!

Oh well …

The mother then puts the little girl down on the floor, takes her hand and walks past me on their way into the store.

I think, Geez is that safe? Didn’t the kid break a limb or something?

She walks past me …

She looks at me with defiance… it’s that look that all mother’s who have screaming kids in public have …

I try to give her a sympathetic smile …

But the kid’s piercing scream continued …

I think my smile looked more like a grimace with one end of my mouth upturned …

Okay, I made a stupid face.

The mother continues walking and then I hear her say in a nice but firm tone …

“Look darling, Mummy doesn’t think you’re a dog …Mummy just thinks this is easier is all”

What … the … heck?

I mean this kid is like five years old …

Isn’t this the kind of thing that you’d only bring up with, oh you know, a psychological practitioner of some sort?

In confusion, I stare at their backs as they walk away from me.

And I suddenly notice …

The kid is wearing a vest that has a leash coming out of the back of it!

The leash is attached to the mother’s wrist!

Yep, the mother was walking the kid like it’s her dog!

Oh. My. God!

I have heard about these things… at the time I thought it was a strange image …

I also thought that for some kids it could be useful …

I remember one time, when I was about five years old; I lost my parents in a shopping centre.

I cried for ages until someone took me to the information desk with the microphone and they called out for my distraught parents to come and collect me.

If I had had a leash, I wouldn’t have had to go through the stress and worry …

And my parents would have obviously benefited …

But you know … it NEVER occurred to me … that a young kid would watch you put the leash on the dog to go for a walk … and then watch you take out a similar contraption to be put on herself …

And be offended!

I thought the psychological trauma wouldn’t kick in until much later in life …

That poor kid!

What a smart kid though!

Man, that’s the kind of trauma that makes you become a serial killer isn’t it?

Mental note: Don’t be living in this town in about 15 years time …

Dear God … did the kid see me?