Musings of the Data Entry Temp …

12 05 2009

Welcome …

Let me show you to your cubicle …

Over here in the corner …

With a lovely view of the wall …

It’s okay, it’s white …

You’ll love it!

Plus, you’re forgetting the stunning view of the oversized clock on the wall …

It’ll help you keep track of the minutes, I mean seconds … the never-ending seconds…

as you while away the day at work …

I’m sorry … did you say ‘Window’?

*cough*

See that pile of papers over there …

Ha ha …

No the bigger pile behind it …

The one that looks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa …

Yeah … 

Grab that … you’re going to need it …

Ha, ha … look at that … you can’t even see over it …

Let me help you …

I’ll introduce you to some people …

Only the three that sit around you …

That’s all you’ll need …

Cause you’re a data entry temp …

There’s really no point in us learning your name …

Not that I’d say that out loud of course …

Now, where were we …

Oh that’s right, I was showing you the arduous, yet repetitive tasks you’ll be performing for the week …

*slap*

Hey wake up!

This is your life for the next week and you better like it …

Now, let me show you the tea room …

It’s the best part about this place …

There are lounges …

A table …

Nescafe coffee … only the best for our staff …

Well actually we get it cheap because we buy it in bulk, but don’t tell anyone I told you that …

Oh yeah, did anyone mention that you need you’re own coffee cup …

No? That’s okay, there’s a couple of cups just for such an emergency …

Don’t mind those stains, I think the cup was made by Bill’s* kid in school – they are meant to be there …

Yes Julie, Bill had a  kid that made stuff at school …

huh? No kids … well maybe it was Ben or one of the other guys from upstairs …

Anyway, the glorious tea room, or mecca as we jokingly refer to it … is where you’ll get to hang out with the staff …

Yes Julie, I know nobody really calls it that it’s just what I like to call it …

What?

Since Today okay? Stop interrupting me alright!

As I was saying, this is where you’ll get to know people in a relaxing environment…

But don’t worry, they won’t bother talking to you …

Because you’re a temp …

Ha, ha!

What’s that you say?

You’re going to talk to them!

Ha, ha – you know I think you might be a keeper …

Let me know how that goes …

Usually you’ll just get what I like to call the “stunned mullet” expression, followed by them continuing a conversation with someone, anyone else …

Ha ha, get them on their own you say?

*chuckle* so young, so naiive …

Anyway, you’ll have to go out the back door here because the way we came in needs a swipe card …

Which you don’t have …

And we won’t give you one because you’re not going to be here long …

Oh yeah, and the bathroom is over there … 

But you need a swipe card to get back into the building …

Oh that’s right, you can take the back door …

It leads outside but you can walk around the building into the front door …

Yes, I know it’s winter but if you jog you’ll be fine …

Besides it’ll help you wake up out of that Data Entry Coma you’ll fall into after twenty minutes …

So let me know if you have any questions …

My desk is that way *points in some vague direction*

Meep!

(Inspired by true events, i.e. like Hollywood much poetic license has been applied)

*All names are fictional, if real people have these names they should create a Facebook page and link to this blog to make it more popular, correspondence with real or actual living persons is unintentional as I was the data entry temp and didn’t bother to learn your names either.

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Things that make you go Mmm …

15 02 2009

I ran across this today on Fiancee’s blog …

For anyone too lazy to click, it’s an interesting article about how unfair guys have it for Valentine’s Day …

Fiancee argues that men have to buy a woman something shiny and if she approves, he’ll get sex…

he likens this to legalised prostitution …

I can understand his argument …

to a point ..

but I am a little confused as to why HE of all people is making this particular argument!

You see …

Fiancee and I have been together for more than five years … nearly six in a few months …

When Fiancee and I first got together it was June so V-Day didn’t come around for quite a while …

When V-Day was looming near Fiancee dropped the bombshell …

“I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day”

I, being pretty much a tomboy, breathed a sigh of relief …

You see, I’m an odd bird … I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day either …

There’s a few reasons;

From a female perspective, the media (a.k.a. stupid chick magazines) build up Valentine’s Day to be such a big deal and if you’re not getting flown on your man’s private jet to some far-flung part of the world then you’re probably settling for less … what a load of crap!

I’m not into flowers … I’ve never really gotten them … I mean to me a man giving me flowers is like saying “Here look at the pretty things that will die in a week – they’ll die because I picked them and killed them for you” …

I mean really it’s like giving a girl a cat riddled with cancer that’s going to die in a week …

something in our culture I don’t understand …

if a man wants to give me flowers he should plant them in a garden and take a photo!

It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten how Valentine’s Day works but I always thought that a couple exchanged gifts …

I’m terrible at buying gifts!

Worse than terrible; like buying wine for a recovering alcoholic terrible

It’s been that bad!

So, one less gift to buy in a year is fine by me!

This brings me back to Fiancee’s blog post about how unfair he has it come Valentine’s Day time ..

Mmmm ….

In five years he’s never bought me a Valentine’s Day gift …

I’ve never expected a gift or anything special …

To the extent that I didn’t even know that yesterday was Valentine’s Day …

What the heck is he whinging about?

Of course, come to think of it I don’t think he’s ever gotten sex on Valentine’s Day either …

Mmmm …





Epic Fail!

25 01 2009

For anyone that isn’t aware; my folks jetted off on a lovely four month holiday to Europe and left me to house sit.

It’s only a tiny one room apartment …

It shouldn’t be any bother really … right?

Well, recently I had a friend over to visit …

We had an eye-opening conversation …

Went something like this …

Friend: Hey wow! What a nice place. A bit small but … oh hey look at that there’s a pot plant on the balcony.

Me: What! No there isn’t …

Friend: Yes there is! Have a look – it’s hanging from the ceiling in the corner.

I look at the balcony and sure enough there’s a pot plant hanging from the roof …

I ask you …

Who hangs a pot plant from a roof?

Oh okay gardeners …

*groan*

I look a little closer …

The entire pot plant is brown …

Apparantly plants don’t do well for three months without water …

On the plus side it had plenty of sunlight!

I look at Fiancee with a worried expression…

He looks at me with the same expression…

“Did you know there was a pot plant there?” I ask

“No” he replies

“Oh bugger!” I cry

“I hope my parents weren’t attached to that plant” I continue

“Come to think of it I remember your Dad asking us to water the plant” Fiancee replies

“Oh really?!” I reply confused

I remember no such conversation …

My parents have never been “plant people”

We never owned plants …

We always lived in apartments and there was never any room for them…

God I hope my Dad isn’t attached to that plant …

The computer still isn’t working right …

Well I guess I really only have one option …

I know your thinking what I’m thinking …

Move to the other side of the country before Dad gets home …

It’s the only logical course of action under the circumstances …

But seriously …

Who hangs a plant from a roof?





More Health News

25 01 2009

Hi …

I thought I was done writing about my health …

I had a blissful few days there …

Thinking everything was looking up…

Then I got some test results back from a blood test …

I have really high cholesterol and really high blood pressure …

It’s kind of to be expected since I was barely able to walk for the better part of eighteen months …

But the doc looked really worried …

He checked my height and weight and entered them into the computer …

My BMI makes the obese category by 0.5 …

Apparantly I’m overweight …

No shit sherlock!

It kinda happens when you haven’t been able to walk for a couple of years …

Then he asked …

“Do Heart Attacks run in your family?”

My mother had a stroke … her brother had a heart attack …

Apparantly I’m in the high risk category …

Yay!

I was already planning to get fit and healthy once my leg was better, but now I have extra impetus …

This is an impetus I don’t really need right now …

I should have written this before now…

but to be honest …

it’s just a bit embarassing …

it shouldn’t have gotten this far really …

Well …

I have an appointment with a dietitian …

an appointment I should have made years ago …

already in the last two weeks I haven’t eaten any chocolate, potato chips, fried foods, takeaway food, biscuits, cakes, eggs, fatty meats …

all the things that used to be a large part of my diet …

and I’ve exercised minimum 30 minutes every day …

it doesn’t sound like much but I’ve gotta start somewhere …

I have another test in early Feb …

Depending on the results I might have to take drugs for the rest of my life…

This has changed my plans a bit …

I’m staying in Australia until I can get this sorted out …

Fiancee is heading back to Korea as soon as possible …

I don’t have a lot of faith in long distance relationships …

But we’ll see what happens…

Well guess I have to get my butt down to the unemployment office…

This year isn’t really going as planned so far…

But I guess if it will make me a healthy person it will be worth it!





Leg Update 8: The Final Update!

13 01 2009

Yay!

It looks like my updates have come to an end!

About my leg anyway!

In my last update – the doctor had told me to go off the contraceptive pill, continue using my compression stocking and take 100mg of aspirin every day.

Ironically, after ten years of pain this seems to have had an amazing effect!

Before the aspirin I’d be lying on the bed unable to move a muscle lest it aggravate the pain before the painkillers set in …

Before the aspirin I’d be waking up in the morning planning to only take 20 steps for the entire day; and those were all full of pain …

Before the aspirin, I had to use a walking stick to get around and I actually understood where Dr. House was coming from in every episode!

After the aspirin, I can get up and walk around freely, do about 200 steps a day and even help a friend move house!

I only wish one of the many doctors I’d seen before hand had managed to suggest the same thing …

Still much better than the Korean hospital that wanted to remove a third of my leg muscle … so glad I walked away from that idea…

Yeah that was a terrible joke …

So according to the doctor the plan is to stay on the aspirin for the next twelve months as it should keep working.

If at that time things go bad or to how they were before then I’ll have to see about the alcohol injections etc but that is something to be used if the current course of action doesn’t work.

Anyway, the doctor has given me the all clear to go back to Korea for twelve months …

Yay! I’m ecstatic!

Finally, I have my life back!

It’ll probably take us about a month or so to get jobs and go through the fun task of applying for visas etc

Now the next fun task; to find a job.





I think we can all Breathe Easy

18 12 2008

This relates to my last post; My Apology to the World.

Today I stumbled across this news Article:

“Luhrmann unlikely to cast Kidman again”

While the title is a pure ratings grab which seems to indicate, at first glance, that Baz refuses to have anything to do with Kidman because she’s a terrible actress …

If anyone bothers to read the article it has to do with some clap-trap that they have far too many life changing events while on set together …

Bah!

I prefer to read between the lines; Baz is trying to distance himself from Kidman in the hope that some studio might actually give him money in the future to make some kind of movie …

Because let’s face it, he’s going to have a hard time of it with the poor reception “Australia” seems to have received both with the critics and at the box-office.

Perhaps we can breathe easy that another “Australia” may never be made again!

Phew!





My Apology to the World!

18 12 2008

Dear All,

As an Australian, and in fact,

on behalf of all Australians … everywhere …

I feel I must apologise.

“What for?” You ask

Depending on who or where you are you might think an apology could relate to a lack of posts on this blog …

Nope! I’m perfectly fine with that.

It could relate to me bastardising every rule of Grammar in the English language while writing this blog …

Nope. I’m perfectly fine with that too. It’s called poetic license people!

But I really must apologise for Baz Luhrman’s latest brilliant masterpiece “Australia”

Yep after conflicting reviews from friends, various media outlets and bloggers on the internet, I decided NOT to go and see the film.

Instead I decided to poke myself in the eye with a blunt stick, and then write about it on my blog.

Okay, I just WISH I did that! It would have been simpler, cheaper and much, much quicker.

I did turn down a couple of invitations to see the movie before I finally got curious enough to check it out for myself.

And oh the wonders to behold in this steamy pile of dog turd a.k.a. “Australia”

To anyone who loved the movie … just stop reading here … my thoughts will simply offend you

To anyone who hasn’t seen it yet … don’t! Or at least don’t read anymore here because this includes spoilers.

I should probably note that I read a particularly negative review the night before seeing the movie.

I was warned … why didn’t I listen!

So, how was it that Baz who surprised us with a new and improved Romeo and Juliet for the kiddies and even a love story inside a burlesque show in Paris, screw up so badly with a film set in his nation’s heartland?

Well it’s complicated … there seems to be sooo many factors screaming out for revision, why didn’t anyone working on this thing spot even one of them?

Before I hack into this thing, if anyone wants to get a summary of the plot, click here.

First; the title.

“Australia

What the …???

It tells you nothing about the movie except where it is set, as if that’s some kind of hint or even a draw card.

What the heck were the yanks expecting to see? A bunch of Aussies sitting around the outback drinking Fosters, throwing “shrimp” on the barbie while we race around sticking our fingers up crocodile’s butts yelling “Crikey

Ironically, that would have been a butt load more entertaining than “Australia”

Why have a title based on a story’s geographical location at all?

What if we started to name all movies based only on their geographical location?

That would be a fantastic idea!

We’ll call “Die Hard” “Los Angeles” … actually that would still probably sell because you expect a movie with gun toting terrorists under the banner Los Angeles.

We could call “Gone with the Wind” “The South” instead … Mmm not quite as appealing really.

What about if we called “The Wizard of Oz” “Kansas” or even just “Oz”

And my final plea, would any self-respecting Aussie go and see a movie called “America” or “The USA” …

Seriously … what … the …???

Second; Too many Genres.

This movie seems to be the product of a man who can’t make a single decision, so he tries to mash it all together and then he has far too many “Yes” men around him to know any better.

Really didn’t they do any screen tests on audiences before releasing this movie???

Part of this mish-mash is the genre of the film. It seems to be part historical fiction, part romantic epic, part action, part comedy.

For god’s sake Baz pick a bloody genre and stick to it!!!

Third; The Acting.

Nicole Kidman. She isn’t one of my favourite actresses but her acting in this is appalling!

Which idiot told her that if she speaks with a breathy voice that will turn her Aussie accent into a British one “Hey Presto!”???

Hugh Jackman, who I normally love, seemed to over-act through the entire movie. Of course he was acting next to Nicole the whole time and since she can’t seem to act her way out of a paper-bag he probably looked worse next to her.

Fourth; The Dialogue.

Baz’s scriptwriting was atrocious! The characters continually sprouted the same inane, obvious dialogue that made myself and others in the audience groan out loud.

Everytime he seemed stuck for dialogue he’d make Hugh Jackman’s character yell “Crikey” and oh my god how I absolutely HATE that phrase after this movie.

Fifth; Zero Character Development.

He had so much going on in this movie, so many plot points and such a mish-mash of ideas that there was no time for character development at any stage throughout the film.

Nicole Kidman’s husband dies in the movie and she simply shrugs her shoulders and moves on with life and can’t wait to get snogging Hugh’s character … what the???

Baz makes pains to let us know that it was all a hard time back in the 1940’s and people died all the time. So many characters die all the time and continually the rest of the cast just shrug their shoulders and move on … yeah fantastic story writing there, so much for suspension of disbelief!

Sixth; Doesn’t follow the “Three-act structure”

While I’m all for throwing out the typical tried and true Hollywood method of writing a screen-play, in this instance it makes the movie hard to follow.

There is a big climax far too early in the movie and when you think it should be all over, the movie continues for another hour.

Not only that, it feels that Baz ignored all the usual rules of good story-telling, like using conflict to create a good story.

In “Australia” every time the characters were given any kind of challenge, it was solved in a matter of minutes creating quite a few anti-climaxes throughout the film.

Seventh; A poor attempt to tie in Race Relations into the script

I think that in this movie the whole race relations thing is only shallowly portrayed and probably did more harm than good in trying to heal old wounds.

Ironically, a friend of mine was horrified to see that Baz had portrayed us as being so terrible to the Aboriginal people when I thought it made everything seem like a virtual “cake-walk” instead of what actually occurred in the way we treated them.

Hell we did go and kill every Aboriginal living on Tasmania when we came here!

I’m not here to get political, so I’ll move on swiftly and hopefully keep myself out of trouble.

On the plus side:

I’m secretly amused at all the people (mostly chicks) who will hear Baz Luhrmann, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman and think kind thoughts of romance and love …

Only to be hit over the head with this piece of crap!