Things that make you go Mmm …

15 02 2009

I ran across this today on Fiancee’s blog …

For anyone too lazy to click, it’s an interesting article about how unfair guys have it for Valentine’s Day …

Fiancee argues that men have to buy a woman something shiny and if she approves, he’ll get sex…

he likens this to legalised prostitution …

I can understand his argument …

to a point ..

but I am a little confused as to why HE of all people is making this particular argument!

You see …

Fiancee and I have been together for more than five years … nearly six in a few months …

When Fiancee and I first got together it was June so V-Day didn’t come around for quite a while …

When V-Day was looming near Fiancee dropped the bombshell …

“I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day”

I, being pretty much a tomboy, breathed a sigh of relief …

You see, I’m an odd bird … I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day either …

There’s a few reasons;

From a female perspective, the media (a.k.a. stupid chick magazines) build up Valentine’s Day to be such a big deal and if you’re not getting flown on your man’s private jet to some far-flung part of the world then you’re probably settling for less … what a load of crap!

I’m not into flowers … I’ve never really gotten them … I mean to me a man giving me flowers is like saying “Here look at the pretty things that will die in a week – they’ll die because I picked them and killed them for you” …

I mean really it’s like giving a girl a cat riddled with cancer that’s going to die in a week …

something in our culture I don’t understand …

if a man wants to give me flowers he should plant them in a garden and take a photo!

It’s been so long that I’ve forgotten how Valentine’s Day works but I always thought that a couple exchanged gifts …

I’m terrible at buying gifts!

Worse than terrible; like buying wine for a recovering alcoholic terrible

It’s been that bad!

So, one less gift to buy in a year is fine by me!

This brings me back to Fiancee’s blog post about how unfair he has it come Valentine’s Day time ..

Mmmm ….

In five years he’s never bought me a Valentine’s Day gift …

I’ve never expected a gift or anything special …

To the extent that I didn’t even know that yesterday was Valentine’s Day …

What the heck is he whinging about?

Of course, come to think of it I don’t think he’s ever gotten sex on Valentine’s Day either …

Mmmm …

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Epic Fail!

25 01 2009

For anyone that isn’t aware; my folks jetted off on a lovely four month holiday to Europe and left me to house sit.

It’s only a tiny one room apartment …

It shouldn’t be any bother really … right?

Well, recently I had a friend over to visit …

We had an eye-opening conversation …

Went something like this …

Friend: Hey wow! What a nice place. A bit small but … oh hey look at that there’s a pot plant on the balcony.

Me: What! No there isn’t …

Friend: Yes there is! Have a look – it’s hanging from the ceiling in the corner.

I look at the balcony and sure enough there’s a pot plant hanging from the roof …

I ask you …

Who hangs a pot plant from a roof?

Oh okay gardeners …

*groan*

I look a little closer …

The entire pot plant is brown …

Apparantly plants don’t do well for three months without water …

On the plus side it had plenty of sunlight!

I look at Fiancee with a worried expression…

He looks at me with the same expression…

“Did you know there was a pot plant there?” I ask

“No” he replies

“Oh bugger!” I cry

“I hope my parents weren’t attached to that plant” I continue

“Come to think of it I remember your Dad asking us to water the plant” Fiancee replies

“Oh really?!” I reply confused

I remember no such conversation …

My parents have never been “plant people”

We never owned plants …

We always lived in apartments and there was never any room for them…

God I hope my Dad isn’t attached to that plant …

The computer still isn’t working right …

Well I guess I really only have one option …

I know your thinking what I’m thinking …

Move to the other side of the country before Dad gets home …

It’s the only logical course of action under the circumstances …

But seriously …

Who hangs a plant from a roof?





Dear Dad, Yet Another Confession to Make …

20 10 2008

As you know from a couple of previous posts my Dad’s computer has been holding me hostage. (Relevant post 1 and relevant post 2)

Whenever the thing turns off, it refuses to turn back on for at least 24 hours.

The last time it happened, it magically turned back on as if nothing was wrong.

I vowed never to turn it off again.

My vow was as stupid as the people who advertised the Titanic as the ship that can never sink …

Yep, the universe had its revenge over my “vow”

Everything went swimmingly for a couple of days …

I kept the computer on …

I remembered to remove all my writing drafts and ideas to another computer …

Yep, fine …

Until …

One night I was playing World of Warcraft … (computer game)

I spent hours previously downloading all the new rules in the latest update …

It took three hours to get it all done …

Then another couple of hours fiddling and understanding all the new rules.

Then I go to do my first quest of the evening …

I see the dragon, I plan my tactics, I select him with the mouse and press the key for certain destruction …

Then my apartment is plunged into darkness …

Yep, a freakin power failure!!

I sat in darkness for all of a minute before power was blissfully restored to our tiny apartment …

Except for the computer …

Like a movie star throwing their first hissy fit; it refuses to turn on.

I stand there looking at it with my mouth gaping open and opening and closing my fists …

But … But the Dragon … I was going to kill it …

I launch an expletive into the air and flounce over to my laptop …

My laptop is over three years old …

It can run the game with all the video settings on low …

The graphics look like I’m running an Atari or Commodore 64.

Argh!

I try to turn the computer on every hour without success …

24 hours later, the computer once again springs into action with a song …

It acts like nothing was ever wrong …

It pretends there is no bad blood between us …

But I know it is smirking at me …

After some hesitation, I settle into playing my computer game again …

Just when I think it is safe …

The computer shows a black screen …

Followed by a blue screen …

Not the blue screen of death thank god but instead it has a message for me …

It reads: “The computer is shutting down. Updating 1 of 12.

A freakin Vista Automatic Update!

What the heck!

Why was there no warning?

Why didn’t it tell me to close down all the programs before it closed the computer down …

Argh!

I sit there frozen in front of the computer screen …

I can’t think of anything to do except watch in horror …

The computer shuts down and then attempts to restart.

The computer gets half way through the re-start before it stops …

It goes silent …

That amber light is flashing again!

Like Oliver Twist it’s saying “Please sir, I’d like some more” …

More power I’m guessing …

Like a doctor in the emergency room on a TV show I’m running around yelling “Get it some more power, STAT!”

Except nobody can hear me.

Anyway, I’m sitting here now at my Laptop …

Eyeing Dad’s computer from across the room …

But not with pride as he did; contempt is my friend this day.

So I write to you, Dad.

Yes, you!

This is my confession to you, as I need to inform you that …

I’ve thrown your impossible computer over the balcony …

I’m sorry …

There I said it …

It was the only way to take the smirk off its face …

Yeah, I know computers don’t have faces but this one did …

Yes, I should say Yes and not yeah …

I know you think I’m joking …

But I’m not …

I just snapped …

I watched it fly over the railing with a smile as I sent it on its way …

To the computer after-life …

I sighed with relief as it hit the ground with a crunch that echoed across the courtyard.

I grin to think of your reaction to this letter.

I’m also informing you that if you ever purchase another computer product made by DELL; it will be over between us!

All my love, Silvergirl2010.





More Anger, Bitterness and Defeat.

19 10 2008

This is the sequel to post Anger, Bitterness and Defeat where I told everyone about the impending doom that was about to descend on my tiny flat, my future Mother in Law … affectionately referred to in this post as Mother in Law.

Ring, Ring

I know what that means…

I start clicking my heels together and chanting “There’s no place like home” …

Oh … I am home …

Bugger!

Fiancee answers the phone “Hi, Mum! Where are you? … oh so you drove past the shops then? … Um yes there were shops there … um … don’t worry about it just turn left and continue down the road until you see a block of units with me standing outside”

Fiancee leaves the apartment while I hang around on the balcony.

Five minutes later I look in horror as Mother in Law drives up in the biggest four wheel drive I’ve ever seen … it’s packed to the rafters inside and on the rooftop …

Looks like Mother in Law could survive a nuclear winter …

At my house …

Oh please God, don’t let her stay long!

We rush to get a cup of tea to quell the beast …

Sigh …

She’s smiling … things seem to be going well, better than usual …

For about five minutes …

Then Mother in Law pulls out a plastic bag full of useful items she thought we could use …

There’s a green back-pack …

Baby-poo green…

Or maybe they gave a baby lime cordial, spun in circles with it (gently) till it threw up and then matched the colour specifically for the bag …

Yeah it’s THAT ugly!

There are some clothes for me …

That if I wore would age me fifty years.

Mental note to self: Never wear cardigans EVER! On pain of death!

“Ooooohhhhh!!!” I say drawing it out as long as possible giving me time to think of a polite answer “Thank you so much!”

And then there’s the food …

Milk, eggs, potatoes … (Mother in Law thinks we don’t purchase these things ourselves)

And a tea cake with green (!) icing … apparently green was the colour of the day …

I immediately dive into evasive action … “Oh wow that cake looks good but we just ate … maybe I’ll try some later”

Don’t look at me like that …

You’ve been there.

One cup of tea down …

Only a possible 500 or so to go …

Sigh…

Mother in Law starts talking …

And doesn’t stop for twelve hours …

I don’t think she even paused for breath …

Have you ever seen someone talk in one complete long sentence for hours on end … it really is a marvel!

After a couple of hours consisting of only a couple of minor insults, I suggest a walk.

It helps to suppress the urge to strangle her.

Okay, well it gives me nice scenery to look at while suppressing the urge to strangle her …

While we are out the subject of our apartment comes up …

I can’t remember how it came up …

“What do you mean there’s a bed in the lounge room?” screeches Mother in Law

“Um … yeah … it’s a one room apartment and so the bed is in the lounge room” stammers Fiancee a little confused … we were sitting in the lounge room for a few hours before the walk.

Fiancee and I hold our breath, bracing ourselves for a Chernobyl type meltdown.

We all walk up the stairs in complete silence and enter the apartment again.

Mother in Law casts her eye around “Well I had no idea that your place was SO small” she declares.

What? I mean we’ve been sitting in it for the last four hours …

I want to scream!

I want to curse!

Instead the inane smile is fixed to my face once again and I brace for the next onslaught.

“Oh why didn’t you tell me you didn’t even have a place for me to stay?” she continues a little sulkily.

“Well actually I did” says Fiancee flatly but adds a smile attempting to diffuse the situation.

We have both told her on different occasions.

Obviously descriptors like “Studio Apartment” go over Mother in Law’s head.

After some discussion, it’s decided she will stay for dinner and then go and find a hotel nearby.

While trying to hide a relieved smile, I start cooking a lavish feast of Meat Pie,  mashed potato, peas and corn.

Yes, I’m all class!

Nothing says “Welcome” to a family member than a Meat Pie!

Yeah, look it was in the freezer okay!

We all sit down to dinner. Fiancee and I sit next to each other with Mother in Law across from us …

The battle lines are drawn … so to speak…

Like short waves of machine gun fire the first offensive hits us …

How come we never sent her a postcard while we were living in South Korea?

Postcards?!?

I wanted to say “What’s a postcard?”

But I held back …

We phoned her fairly often-ish …

Overseas calls are expensive …

What the heck? That wasn’t good enough?

I didn’t see that one coming …

We have no time to react … Mother in Law continues on to other more mundane things …

For a while …

Sometime later, the A-bomb hits us like a doozey.

Mother in Law addresses Fiancee “You know I spent all that money on sending you to University so you could get a high paying job, what happened?”

An awkward hush falls over the room …

Fiancee looks like a deer in headlights …

I look like a small, angry cherub … (I have chubby cheeks what can I say?)

Mother in Law opens her mouth to say more…

Dear God, there’s more?

“You know I think you never even got your degree, I think you just lied and made it all up!”

What …. The … Heck?!!???!!

For anyone that might be wondering Fiancee has his degree, he couldn’t have worked in Korea without it …

I have seen it …

If it had been close to hand I would have shoved it under her nose with glee …

I might have punched her in the nose with it!

Of course it’s packed away in a suitcase.

Typical.

Why didn’t I think to have all proof of Fiancee’s degree on hand for a moment like this?

Oh I don’t know, because normal parents would never say anything LIKE THIS to their kid!!!

Oh my god! I wish I was making this up!

Who says something like that to their own child???

And she wonders why we don’t visit often!

“And you wonder why I don’t visit often” says Fiancee quietly.

Apparantly Fiancee is on the same wavelength as me …

“Is it?” she says …”Oh that’s not the reason you don’t visit me” she shakes her head emphatically and continues on talking about something different again….

I forget what …

I stopped listening …

Fiancee and I have an agreement …

Under no circumstances am I allowed to say anything to her when she insults him or me or both of us …

I hate this stupid agreement …

As usual I plaster yet another inane grin on my face and start praying she leaves soon.

She left a few hours later.

I have no idea what she said for the rest of the evening …

I stopped listening …

I stopped caring.

Mother in Laws … can’t live with ‘em …





Anger, Bitterness and Defeat

17 10 2008

Disaster struck …

It began as all disasters do …

With a phone call …

Okay maybe not all disasters…

I’m sure the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have any phone calls involved but if phones had have been invented you can bet that before plague 1 you’d have heard the sound ring ring

I looked at the phone ringing in my hands …

It plays a stupid song instead of a normal phone ring …

It’s so annoying. I don’t want to answer it because of the stupid song,

Only half a dozen people in the world have my phone number …

The ones I WANT to talk to communicate with me over email or online chat …

One however thinks that computers will never catch on …

No good can come from this call …

I decide to do the only thing I can do …

Throw it out the window and tell Fiancee that it must be the neighbour’s phone …

Mum might be a bit upset when she comes back from her trip though …

It is her phone after all…

So, Plan B:

Make Fiancee answer it …

Woot! Ha Ha … it’s his mother!

Doing the happy dance …

Then I hear …

“Oh great you’re coming to visit” from Fiancee’s lips the dreaded words were uttered.

I pause mid happy dance … one leg is still in the air … I look stupid!

Fiancee continues “Oh day after tomorrow … yup we have a bed but our apartment is tiny … you might not be comfortable here … okay see you then”

I look at Fiancee … Fiancee looks back at me … my leg is still in the air … I put it down.

We exchange a look as if Genghis Khan himself phoned to tell us he’d be dropping in …

I shouldn’t ask but I can’t help it … “So, how long is she staying?”

“Oh, she didn’t say” Fiancee replies.

Oh. My. God!

Mother in Law has just sold her house and is between life plans at the moment …

This means she has no home to return to …

No home to return to in a timely manner …

Disaster …

You know how there are those families that get on well together and are happy to see each other?

Okay maybe they are only on TV then …

Suffice it to say that our relationship with Mother in Law is not like that …

In fact it’s all a downward spiral of anger, bitterness and defeat on both sides.

Mother in Law likes to use fun phrases like: Useless, you don’t care about me, oh I’m only your mother, you’re a liar, it’ll never catch on … she also speaks in shouting volume at all times.

We are permitted to act like deaf mutes for her entire visit …

Sometimes I add an inane grin to relieve stress but that can be dangerous … it can cause her to raise the volume louder.

“Did you tell her that the place is really, really small and she wouldn’t like it here?” I ask Fiancee.

I’m not being rude here … well not as rude as it seems …

Mother in Law has lived for the last twenty odd years on a big, big property …

She loves nature and wide open spaces …

We live in a studio apartment … This means the bed is in the lounge room and the kitchen is the nice view from the bed.

“Yes, I did hon.” Fiancee says a little annoyed (Fiancee has entered preparation mode for her eventual arrival … he will resemble a deaf mute until she arrives)

“So what did she say?” I asked

“She said it would be fine” he replied

Mission Impossible: To make the house look clean, tidy and inviting while at the same time small, cramped and with a hint of you don’t want to stay here too long.

Some of you know where I’m coming from on this …

The rest of you are lying …

Not for the first time I curse the gods for making Fiancee an only child.

To be continued …