Disaster struck …
It began as all disasters do …
With a phone call …
Okay maybe not all disasters…
I’m sure the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have any phone calls involved but if phones had have been invented you can bet that before plague 1 you’d have heard the sound ring ring
I looked at the phone ringing in my hands …
It plays a stupid song instead of a normal phone ring …
It’s so annoying. I don’t want to answer it because of the stupid song,
Only half a dozen people in the world have my phone number …
The ones I WANT to talk to communicate with me over email or online chat …
One however thinks that computers will never catch on …
No good can come from this call …
I decide to do the only thing I can do …
Throw it out the window and tell Fiancee that it must be the neighbour’s phone …
Mum might be a bit upset when she comes back from her trip though …
It is her phone after all…
So, Plan B:
Make Fiancee answer it …
Woot! Ha Ha … it’s his mother!
Doing the happy dance …
Then I hear …
“Oh great you’re coming to visit” from Fiancee’s lips the dreaded words were uttered.
I pause mid happy dance … one leg is still in the air … I look stupid!
Fiancee continues “Oh day after tomorrow … yup we have a bed but our apartment is tiny … you might not be comfortable here … okay see you then”
I look at Fiancee … Fiancee looks back at me … my leg is still in the air … I put it down.
We exchange a look as if Genghis Khan himself phoned to tell us he’d be dropping in …
I shouldn’t ask but I can’t help it … “So, how long is she staying?”
“Oh, she didn’t say” Fiancee replies.
Oh. My. God!
Mother in Law has just sold her house and is between life plans at the moment …
This means she has no home to return to …
No home to return to in a timely manner …
Disaster …
You know how there are those families that get on well together and are happy to see each other?
Okay maybe they are only on TV then …
Suffice it to say that our relationship with Mother in Law is not like that …
In fact it’s all a downward spiral of anger, bitterness and defeat on both sides.
Mother in Law likes to use fun phrases like: Useless, you don’t care about me, oh I’m only your mother, you’re a liar, it’ll never catch on … she also speaks in shouting volume at all times.
We are permitted to act like deaf mutes for her entire visit …
Sometimes I add an inane grin to relieve stress but that can be dangerous … it can cause her to raise the volume louder.
“Did you tell her that the place is really, really small and she wouldn’t like it here?” I ask Fiancee.
I’m not being rude here … well not as rude as it seems …
Mother in Law has lived for the last twenty odd years on a big, big property …
She loves nature and wide open spaces …
We live in a studio apartment … This means the bed is in the lounge room and the kitchen is the nice view from the bed.
“Yes, I did hon.” Fiancee says a little annoyed (Fiancee has entered preparation mode for her eventual arrival … he will resemble a deaf mute until she arrives)
“So what did she say?” I asked
“She said it would be fine” he replied
Mission Impossible: To make the house look clean, tidy and inviting while at the same time small, cramped and with a hint of you don’t want to stay here too long.
Some of you know where I’m coming from on this …
The rest of you are lying …
Not for the first time I curse the gods for making Fiancee an only child.
To be continued …
Hot Kimchi Nights 
Oh I did that with a certain bedroom … apparently I overdid the inviting part (lol) and after I did such a good job on the small and cramped too. 🙂
Oh no Lactic … how long did it take to get the offending party out of the bedroom? (Please don’t say six weeks before the offending party finally pissed off overseas :p)
mmm, I can see your dilemma… your options depend on whether or not you want a relationship with mother-in-law… otherwise, I suggest the following:
Construct an altar to kinky sexual practices in a corner of the studio apartment and make the centrepiece a large sex toy, preferably a phallic one… I had the experience recently of recieving a link to a website that does sex toys with a christ theme, maybe this would have the most impact. Hang a few whips and assorted apparel of this theme around the room.
Let her stay in the apartment and on the first night pretend to have a debate with your fiancee about having sex whilst mother-in-law is apparently sleeping… you can then decide whether you wish to go further with appropriate noises to simulate the act after you “give in to your wild animal urges” (don’t worry, you don’t need to do this actually!)
Cook food that has an offensive smell prior to her coming and leave all windows closed. Say that you can’t open them. Alternatively, remove all deodorants, air freshners and scented candles and live off baked beans a week prior to arrival, again, do not open windows.
Say you have converted to islam and insist on getting up at dawn to do your prayers. Wear a hijab when you leave the house and tell your future mother in law to do the same. Hold a “koran study group” whilst she is there.
Let her stay and then when she tries to cook (she will enevitably) tell her you are jewish, coeliac and allergic to eggs… or that you are vegan.
Or have a bunch of role playing/cam buddies over whilst she is there for a cam event….
Or you can plead injured and tell her that you can’t take guests…. then if she still comes lie on the couch moaning in pain and making her take care of you… no, actually, thank her for coming to take care of you! That will get rid of her!
Another funny read! Keep going, you made me feel better after a crap day!
[…] and defeat, mother in law, stressful family This is the sequel to post Anger, Bitterness and Defeat where I told everyone about the impending doom that was about to descend on my tiny flat, my future […]