An Amusing Interlude …

26 10 2008

Well it was amusing to me at any rate. It is also completely true!

Yesterday (Saturday morning), I was standing in line at Woolworths.

It was the express lane, but let me tell you there was nothing EXPRESS about it!

Why do I ALWAYS pick the slow lane?

So while waiting in the slow lane something very amusing happened.

I mean it was so amusing I don’t think even comedy skit writers could have dreamed this up.

Like the siren on an approaching police car, I heard the small child crying as she came closer …

Well I’m sure it started out as a cry …

It had actually reached that stage just a notch below scream proportions …

Anyone who’s been around kids knows it.

I mean it’s the kind of cry that makes you think somebody lost a limb …

If nothing else, I’m thinking that a trip to the hospital is in somebody’s future.

At last I see the source of the hideous noise…

A noise that makes me wonder why I drank so many bourbons last night and how on earth did I manage to be in THIS Woolworths on THIS day at THIS time?

The source of the noise is a young girl perched on her mothers’ hip …

As I see her, she stops her tirade …

She has blonde hair and is wearing a pink dress with a blue vest over it.

Her face is blotchy and red …

Little tears running down her face …

She’s actually pretty cute …

Oh it’s nearly heart-breaking …

Then that god-awful noise starts again …

Yeah, it’s no longer heart-breaking …

I just wanna kill the kid …

Anything to make her be QUIET!

But then I’d have to leave the slow lane … and it’s my turn next!

Oh well …

The mother then puts the little girl down on the floor, takes her hand and walks past me on their way into the store.

I think, Geez is that safe? Didn’t the kid break a limb or something?

She walks past me …

She looks at me with defiance… it’s that look that all mother’s who have screaming kids in public have …

I try to give her a sympathetic smile …

But the kid’s piercing scream continued …

I think my smile looked more like a grimace with one end of my mouth upturned …

Okay, I made a stupid face.

The mother continues walking and then I hear her say in a nice but firm tone …

“Look darling, Mummy doesn’t think you’re a dog …Mummy just thinks this is easier is all”

What … the … heck?

I mean this kid is like five years old …

Isn’t this the kind of thing that you’d only bring up with, oh you know, a psychological practitioner of some sort?

In confusion, I stare at their backs as they walk away from me.

And I suddenly notice …

The kid is wearing a vest that has a leash coming out of the back of it!

The leash is attached to the mother’s wrist!

Yep, the mother was walking the kid like it’s her dog!

Oh. My. God!

I have heard about these things… at the time I thought it was a strange image …

I also thought that for some kids it could be useful …

I remember one time, when I was about five years old; I lost my parents in a shopping centre.

I cried for ages until someone took me to the information desk with the microphone and they called out for my distraught parents to come and collect me.

If I had had a leash, I wouldn’t have had to go through the stress and worry …

And my parents would have obviously benefited …

But you know … it NEVER occurred to me … that a young kid would watch you put the leash on the dog to go for a walk … and then watch you take out a similar contraption to be put on herself …

And be offended!

I thought the psychological trauma wouldn’t kick in until much later in life …

That poor kid!

What a smart kid though!

Man, that’s the kind of trauma that makes you become a serial killer isn’t it?

Mental note: Don’t be living in this town in about 15 years time …

Dear God … did the kid see me?





Dear Dad, Yet Another Confession to Make …

20 10 2008

As you know from a couple of previous posts my Dad’s computer has been holding me hostage. (Relevant post 1 and relevant post 2)

Whenever the thing turns off, it refuses to turn back on for at least 24 hours.

The last time it happened, it magically turned back on as if nothing was wrong.

I vowed never to turn it off again.

My vow was as stupid as the people who advertised the Titanic as the ship that can never sink …

Yep, the universe had its revenge over my “vow”

Everything went swimmingly for a couple of days …

I kept the computer on …

I remembered to remove all my writing drafts and ideas to another computer …

Yep, fine …

Until …

One night I was playing World of Warcraft … (computer game)

I spent hours previously downloading all the new rules in the latest update …

It took three hours to get it all done …

Then another couple of hours fiddling and understanding all the new rules.

Then I go to do my first quest of the evening …

I see the dragon, I plan my tactics, I select him with the mouse and press the key for certain destruction …

Then my apartment is plunged into darkness …

Yep, a freakin power failure!!

I sat in darkness for all of a minute before power was blissfully restored to our tiny apartment …

Except for the computer …

Like a movie star throwing their first hissy fit; it refuses to turn on.

I stand there looking at it with my mouth gaping open and opening and closing my fists …

But … But the Dragon … I was going to kill it …

I launch an expletive into the air and flounce over to my laptop …

My laptop is over three years old …

It can run the game with all the video settings on low …

The graphics look like I’m running an Atari or Commodore 64.

Argh!

I try to turn the computer on every hour without success …

24 hours later, the computer once again springs into action with a song …

It acts like nothing was ever wrong …

It pretends there is no bad blood between us …

But I know it is smirking at me …

After some hesitation, I settle into playing my computer game again …

Just when I think it is safe …

The computer shows a black screen …

Followed by a blue screen …

Not the blue screen of death thank god but instead it has a message for me …

It reads: “The computer is shutting down. Updating 1 of 12.

A freakin Vista Automatic Update!

What the heck!

Why was there no warning?

Why didn’t it tell me to close down all the programs before it closed the computer down …

Argh!

I sit there frozen in front of the computer screen …

I can’t think of anything to do except watch in horror …

The computer shuts down and then attempts to restart.

The computer gets half way through the re-start before it stops …

It goes silent …

That amber light is flashing again!

Like Oliver Twist it’s saying “Please sir, I’d like some more” …

More power I’m guessing …

Like a doctor in the emergency room on a TV show I’m running around yelling “Get it some more power, STAT!”

Except nobody can hear me.

Anyway, I’m sitting here now at my Laptop …

Eyeing Dad’s computer from across the room …

But not with pride as he did; contempt is my friend this day.

So I write to you, Dad.

Yes, you!

This is my confession to you, as I need to inform you that …

I’ve thrown your impossible computer over the balcony …

I’m sorry …

There I said it …

It was the only way to take the smirk off its face …

Yeah, I know computers don’t have faces but this one did …

Yes, I should say Yes and not yeah …

I know you think I’m joking …

But I’m not …

I just snapped …

I watched it fly over the railing with a smile as I sent it on its way …

To the computer after-life …

I sighed with relief as it hit the ground with a crunch that echoed across the courtyard.

I grin to think of your reaction to this letter.

I’m also informing you that if you ever purchase another computer product made by DELL; it will be over between us!

All my love, Silvergirl2010.





Do you like the New Look?

20 10 2008

I’ve given the site a facelift!

I now have a white background and the picture of Seoul in the evening is a little less bright.

Incidentally, the picture is of Seoul as viewed from Namsan Tower in the south of Seoul.

Sadly, the picture is not my own but I came across it here and I hope they don’t mind me using it in exchange for a link back to their site. Incidentally, click on the link there are a heap more photos there.

Not sure how it’s going to go over or if I will stick with it …

I might try a couple of different looks in the next week or so …

I’d appreciate any feedback from the readers …

Don’t worry funny post to come soon.

Cheers, Silvergirl2010!

p.s. I also updated the About Me and My Blog page … should give people an idea of my style and a little bit about me.





More Anger, Bitterness and Defeat.

19 10 2008

This is the sequel to post Anger, Bitterness and Defeat where I told everyone about the impending doom that was about to descend on my tiny flat, my future Mother in Law … affectionately referred to in this post as Mother in Law.

Ring, Ring

I know what that means…

I start clicking my heels together and chanting “There’s no place like home” …

Oh … I am home …

Bugger!

Fiancee answers the phone “Hi, Mum! Where are you? … oh so you drove past the shops then? … Um yes there were shops there … um … don’t worry about it just turn left and continue down the road until you see a block of units with me standing outside”

Fiancee leaves the apartment while I hang around on the balcony.

Five minutes later I look in horror as Mother in Law drives up in the biggest four wheel drive I’ve ever seen … it’s packed to the rafters inside and on the rooftop …

Looks like Mother in Law could survive a nuclear winter …

At my house …

Oh please God, don’t let her stay long!

We rush to get a cup of tea to quell the beast …

Sigh …

She’s smiling … things seem to be going well, better than usual …

For about five minutes …

Then Mother in Law pulls out a plastic bag full of useful items she thought we could use …

There’s a green back-pack …

Baby-poo green…

Or maybe they gave a baby lime cordial, spun in circles with it (gently) till it threw up and then matched the colour specifically for the bag …

Yeah it’s THAT ugly!

There are some clothes for me …

That if I wore would age me fifty years.

Mental note to self: Never wear cardigans EVER! On pain of death!

“Ooooohhhhh!!!” I say drawing it out as long as possible giving me time to think of a polite answer “Thank you so much!”

And then there’s the food …

Milk, eggs, potatoes … (Mother in Law thinks we don’t purchase these things ourselves)

And a tea cake with green (!) icing … apparently green was the colour of the day …

I immediately dive into evasive action … “Oh wow that cake looks good but we just ate … maybe I’ll try some later”

Don’t look at me like that …

You’ve been there.

One cup of tea down …

Only a possible 500 or so to go …

Sigh…

Mother in Law starts talking …

And doesn’t stop for twelve hours …

I don’t think she even paused for breath …

Have you ever seen someone talk in one complete long sentence for hours on end … it really is a marvel!

After a couple of hours consisting of only a couple of minor insults, I suggest a walk.

It helps to suppress the urge to strangle her.

Okay, well it gives me nice scenery to look at while suppressing the urge to strangle her …

While we are out the subject of our apartment comes up …

I can’t remember how it came up …

“What do you mean there’s a bed in the lounge room?” screeches Mother in Law

“Um … yeah … it’s a one room apartment and so the bed is in the lounge room” stammers Fiancee a little confused … we were sitting in the lounge room for a few hours before the walk.

Fiancee and I hold our breath, bracing ourselves for a Chernobyl type meltdown.

We all walk up the stairs in complete silence and enter the apartment again.

Mother in Law casts her eye around “Well I had no idea that your place was SO small” she declares.

What? I mean we’ve been sitting in it for the last four hours …

I want to scream!

I want to curse!

Instead the inane smile is fixed to my face once again and I brace for the next onslaught.

“Oh why didn’t you tell me you didn’t even have a place for me to stay?” she continues a little sulkily.

“Well actually I did” says Fiancee flatly but adds a smile attempting to diffuse the situation.

We have both told her on different occasions.

Obviously descriptors like “Studio Apartment” go over Mother in Law’s head.

After some discussion, it’s decided she will stay for dinner and then go and find a hotel nearby.

While trying to hide a relieved smile, I start cooking a lavish feast of Meat Pie,  mashed potato, peas and corn.

Yes, I’m all class!

Nothing says “Welcome” to a family member than a Meat Pie!

Yeah, look it was in the freezer okay!

We all sit down to dinner. Fiancee and I sit next to each other with Mother in Law across from us …

The battle lines are drawn … so to speak…

Like short waves of machine gun fire the first offensive hits us …

How come we never sent her a postcard while we were living in South Korea?

Postcards?!?

I wanted to say “What’s a postcard?”

But I held back …

We phoned her fairly often-ish …

Overseas calls are expensive …

What the heck? That wasn’t good enough?

I didn’t see that one coming …

We have no time to react … Mother in Law continues on to other more mundane things …

For a while …

Sometime later, the A-bomb hits us like a doozey.

Mother in Law addresses Fiancee “You know I spent all that money on sending you to University so you could get a high paying job, what happened?”

An awkward hush falls over the room …

Fiancee looks like a deer in headlights …

I look like a small, angry cherub … (I have chubby cheeks what can I say?)

Mother in Law opens her mouth to say more…

Dear God, there’s more?

“You know I think you never even got your degree, I think you just lied and made it all up!”

What …. The … Heck?!!???!!

For anyone that might be wondering Fiancee has his degree, he couldn’t have worked in Korea without it …

I have seen it …

If it had been close to hand I would have shoved it under her nose with glee …

I might have punched her in the nose with it!

Of course it’s packed away in a suitcase.

Typical.

Why didn’t I think to have all proof of Fiancee’s degree on hand for a moment like this?

Oh I don’t know, because normal parents would never say anything LIKE THIS to their kid!!!

Oh my god! I wish I was making this up!

Who says something like that to their own child???

And she wonders why we don’t visit often!

“And you wonder why I don’t visit often” says Fiancee quietly.

Apparantly Fiancee is on the same wavelength as me …

“Is it?” she says …”Oh that’s not the reason you don’t visit me” she shakes her head emphatically and continues on talking about something different again….

I forget what …

I stopped listening …

Fiancee and I have an agreement …

Under no circumstances am I allowed to say anything to her when she insults him or me or both of us …

I hate this stupid agreement …

As usual I plaster yet another inane grin on my face and start praying she leaves soon.

She left a few hours later.

I have no idea what she said for the rest of the evening …

I stopped listening …

I stopped caring.

Mother in Laws … can’t live with ‘em …





Anger, Bitterness and Defeat

17 10 2008

Disaster struck …

It began as all disasters do …

With a phone call …

Okay maybe not all disasters…

I’m sure the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have any phone calls involved but if phones had have been invented you can bet that before plague 1 you’d have heard the sound ring ring

I looked at the phone ringing in my hands …

It plays a stupid song instead of a normal phone ring …

It’s so annoying. I don’t want to answer it because of the stupid song,

Only half a dozen people in the world have my phone number …

The ones I WANT to talk to communicate with me over email or online chat …

One however thinks that computers will never catch on …

No good can come from this call …

I decide to do the only thing I can do …

Throw it out the window and tell Fiancee that it must be the neighbour’s phone …

Mum might be a bit upset when she comes back from her trip though …

It is her phone after all…

So, Plan B:

Make Fiancee answer it …

Woot! Ha Ha … it’s his mother!

Doing the happy dance …

Then I hear …

“Oh great you’re coming to visit” from Fiancee’s lips the dreaded words were uttered.

I pause mid happy dance … one leg is still in the air … I look stupid!

Fiancee continues “Oh day after tomorrow … yup we have a bed but our apartment is tiny … you might not be comfortable here … okay see you then”

I look at Fiancee … Fiancee looks back at me … my leg is still in the air … I put it down.

We exchange a look as if Genghis Khan himself phoned to tell us he’d be dropping in …

I shouldn’t ask but I can’t help it … “So, how long is she staying?”

“Oh, she didn’t say” Fiancee replies.

Oh. My. God!

Mother in Law has just sold her house and is between life plans at the moment …

This means she has no home to return to …

No home to return to in a timely manner …

Disaster …

You know how there are those families that get on well together and are happy to see each other?

Okay maybe they are only on TV then …

Suffice it to say that our relationship with Mother in Law is not like that …

In fact it’s all a downward spiral of anger, bitterness and defeat on both sides.

Mother in Law likes to use fun phrases like: Useless, you don’t care about me, oh I’m only your mother, you’re a liar, it’ll never catch on … she also speaks in shouting volume at all times.

We are permitted to act like deaf mutes for her entire visit …

Sometimes I add an inane grin to relieve stress but that can be dangerous … it can cause her to raise the volume louder.

“Did you tell her that the place is really, really small and she wouldn’t like it here?” I ask Fiancee.

I’m not being rude here … well not as rude as it seems …

Mother in Law has lived for the last twenty odd years on a big, big property …

She loves nature and wide open spaces …

We live in a studio apartment … This means the bed is in the lounge room and the kitchen is the nice view from the bed.

“Yes, I did hon.” Fiancee says a little annoyed (Fiancee has entered preparation mode for her eventual arrival … he will resemble a deaf mute until she arrives)

“So what did she say?” I asked

“She said it would be fine” he replied

Mission Impossible: To make the house look clean, tidy and inviting while at the same time small, cramped and with a hint of you don’t want to stay here too long.

Some of you know where I’m coming from on this …

The rest of you are lying …

Not for the first time I curse the gods for making Fiancee an only child.

To be continued …





Welcome to the Neighbourhood … local style

15 10 2008

Yesterday, I receive in the mail a flyer from the local community association.

It reads:

“Meet and Greet Night; To welcome new residents. Friday 17th October From 5p.m. Free glass of champagne and nibblies on arrival. Full meal and bar service available all evening. If you are new to the area, come along and meet the committee and residents. Have a great night and be entertained by our local crooner, [Some Guy]”

Wow … what a good idea …maybe if I attend I can get people to stop staring at me in the street

Maybe I’ll get a chance to woo them with my brilliant personality …

Or simply explain the reason why I wear a stocking on one leg.

My mind fills with visions of me theatrically putting a hand over my forehead, head turned yelling “I am not an animal!” … followed by … “It’s a medical condition”  

Okay that might be a tad over the top.

New vision: I am circulating amongst my small town community with ease and charm as I tell them the woes of my disabled leg and the injustices of the public health system in this country …  plus didn’t it say something about a free drink?

Next problem; convince the fiancée.

Fiancee is a computer nerd … dealing with people is not his strong point.

No problem I’ll just flutter my little eye-lashes … and employ my persuasive skills …

Yeah, I’m going to have to work harder than Keanu Reeves trying to set his face into an expression …

“Honey …” I say ever so sweetly.

“Mmmm…” Fiancee refuses to look up from his computer ..

“Are you busy, hon?” I continue despite his inability to move his head even an inch from the computer screen.

Fiancee sighs … did I see him roll his eyes? “One sec” he says

I start planning my verbal plan of attack … in my head of course.

Five minutes later Fiancee turns away from the computer and gives me his undivided attention.

Here goes …  (watch my highly tuned skills of persuasion)

“Guess what?” (don’t wait for an answer or he’ll suspect he’s about to be talked into doing something he doesn’t want to do) “We got this really interesting flyer in the mail”

“Uh … huh” he sounds confused …Why is he confused already, it’s only a flyer!

I pick up the orange paper of interest and sashay over to his side putting eye-lash fluttering into full effect … I thrust the paper under his nose with triumph … ha!

“See it’s a welcoming committee” I start

Fiancee is silent … this could still go either way here …

I continue “Wouldn’t you like to meet some people in the area?”

“No” says Fiancee flatly.

“But hon, it says there are free drinks and food … and bar service all night … it sounds pretty flash for a small town … it could be fun” (back to the eyelashes – don’t forget the eyelashes)

“But I have free food and drinks here at home … and if I go to the bottle shop I too can have bar service” he says with a playful yet smug grin.

Okay subtle isn’t my thing obviously … patience too doesn’t figure much in my personality … I give up the pretences and go for broke ..

“Okay, I want to go” I breathe out while talking … had I been holding my breath?

“Okay, I don’t want to go” he says flatly but can’t seem to shake his smug smile …

Steam starts pouring from my ears … his stupid smug smile is getting under my skin … deep breath … don’t give up

“Honey, it could be my chance to explain to people why I wear a stocking on one leg and get them to stop staring at me” I say imploringly.

He rolls his eyes “I’m sure you’re over-reacting and that was all in your head … she probably thought she knew you or something”

Why is it men never believe you when you tell them people are staring at you?

But that’s a different battle; he’s simply trying to distract me with a new argument to make me forget the current one … very cunning… but I’m not falling for it!

I decide to try the I’m really sad tactic .. I look at the floor and say quietly “Honey it’s nearby and you never know who you might meet, it could be fun”

“Where is it then?” Fiancee says, still not convinced but he seems to be weakening … or he’s just toying with me for his own sick amusement

I grab the flyer … sensing victory … but keeping the smile off my face …

Wait a minute …

I know there’s a location here somewhere … or an address …

Oh. My. God!

No location. No address. Nothing!

I whisper this revelation to Fiancee dejectedly.

Fiancee is laughing …

loudly …

at my expense.

Fiancee might be cashing in his ambulance insurance if he doesn’t stop laughing.

They really don’t like new people in this town do they?

I’m guessing that woman that was staring at me the other day was the president of the community association …

When you think about it it’s pretty funny …

Hey newcomers there’s a party for you in your honour … you’re welcome to attend …

if you can find it …

I had my outfit picked out and everything.

I’m totally crushed.





They Don’t like Strangers in this Here Town

13 10 2008

At the moment I’m staying in a small town somewhere in Australia. It’s a tiny little town with a population of about 5,000 odd people at my estimate.  Of course this could be less due to the closing of the town’s golfing resort which up until recently was the town’s biggest employer.

Like all small towns some people are super friendly and say “Hi” and wave all the time … and I mean all the time. I don’t know their names though.

But there are some other people that don’t seem to like strangers in their town.

These people stare at me.

A lot.

And no, I wasn’t wearing my fantastic one stocking outfit those times.

Maybe there is an aura of weirdness about me that screams “She is weird; watch her carefully!”

The other day I drove to the local real estate agent to inform them that I was moving out.

As I drove into my parking spot there was a lady standing on the verandah outside the Real Estate Office.  

As I drove into her view our eyes met.

I looked away … this is especially useful as I was parking the car at the time and had to concentrate on not wrecking another of my father’s possessions.

The lady was average height, heavy set with hair pulled back and a stern expression. She looked like she had just been fired from her career as a professional wrestler and she was unhappy about it. I’m short, chubby and I couldn’t even take Kermit the Frog in a fight at my current fitness level.

Once the car was stationary and the handbrake locked on, I looked up again and she was still looking at me … had she been looking at me the whole time?

I got out and locked the car. I looked around and she and I are the only people in this little shopping centre.  If this was America the tumbleweed would be blowing somewhere.

Don’t look … don’t look … oh bugger I looked up … she’s still looking straight at me … this has gone on too long … this now qualifies as a stare!

I re-opened the car and pretended to be looking for something I’d forgotten; while I thought of how to handle this situation … I mean am I just imagining this in a tirade of painkiller induced paranoia?

But there is nobody else here. Unless she is admiring my car she can only be looking at me.

I drive a Silver Kia Rio … yeah no way it was the car… she was staring at me for some reason.

Shivers ran down my spine …

I locked the car again. I looked up … nope she’s still staring

She didn’t even have the decency to look away … she just stared boldly … I felt like Clint Eastwood in a western film, just before the shoot-out.

Luckily I was armed; I checked my trusty mobile phone was in its holster at my hip …

So I could call for an ambulance later …

You have to be prepared in these situations …

I turned my back to her and walked towards the stairs at the other end of the verandah.

I felt a mixture of fear and indignation … what was this lady’s problem? Was I wearing too much blue today? Did she have tar and feathers stashed behind her back, so she could teach me a lesson?

I walked up the stairs of the verandah …

Oh gosh … I realised, I’m going to have to walk past her to get to the real estate …

A quick thought … maybe I didn’t have to tell them that I was moving out … yeah maybe I could just keep paying rent forever …  I couldn’t afford that, must continue on.

I tried to diffuse the situation …

“Hello” I attempted in my best impersonation of Shirley Temple since I was eight years old, my voice all sugar and spice yet laced with fear I couldn’t hide.

“Hi” the lady replied confused.

Why is SHE confused?  Was she expecting more? Stern words perhaps?

I was too scared to demand why she’s staring at me … while in range of her inordinately large fist at any rate…

I walked past praying that I wouldn’t have to use my ambulance insurance in the next half hour.

She continued to stare … If we were at a tennis match, clearly I was the tennis ball as her head whips around and her stare followed me as I walked past her.

Luckily she didn’t follow me into the real estate office, but that was a totally uncomfortable situation for me.

After conducting my business, I left the real estate office.

She was still there. I walked past her again head held high and tried not to notice her.

Once she was behind me, I noticed her make a bee-line for the real estate office … I’m guessing an interrogation of the young girl behind the desk followed.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

I’ve decided to carry a potato gun everywhere I go … to launch pre-emptive strikes!

Or I guess I could just start waving and smiling to people more.