Chainsaws … A Collector’s Item?

The other day I was sitting on the balcony, in the warm spring afternoon sun, reading my local paper…

When I came across an advertisement …

No, not one of those I’m looking for my dream girl or guy type advertisements …

Not even one of those advertisements of the “I have this great item in my personal possession that I now view as junk and am trying to offload it to the highest bidder … ono”

It simply said …

“Want to buy old chainsaws [insert phone number here]“

Really, it’s a very succinct advertisement.

I guess when you pay by the word you have to get to the point and quickly …

But chainsaws?

When did they become a collector’s item?

This guy lives in my area …

What does he do with said chainsaws???

There are a lot of properties out here …

You only need one to cut down a tree or similar odd job …

Why do you really need more than one?

Unless you somehow worship the Chainsaw??

What kind of person, gets really interested in a Chainsaw?

That person buys said Chainsaw …

Cleans it up and makes it look really pretty …

Probably puts it on a stand in the shed …

Amongst other chainsaws …

Just so that later, they can go and destroy something with it.

This leads me to think …

What kinds of things does a Chainsaw collector enjoy destroying?

Trees …

Fences …

The annoying neighbourhood dog?

Or maybe …

People!?!

Oh …my…god!

Where the hell have I moved to?

An Amusing Interlude …

Well it was amusing to me at any rate. It is also completely true!

Yesterday (Saturday morning), I was standing in line at Woolworths.

It was the express lane, but let me tell you there was nothing EXPRESS about it!

Why do I ALWAYS pick the slow lane?

So while waiting in the slow lane something very amusing happened.

I mean it was so amusing I don’t think even comedy skit writers could have dreamed this up.

Like the siren on an approaching police car, I heard the small child crying as she came closer …

Well I’m sure it started out as a cry …

It had actually reached that stage just a notch below scream proportions …

Anyone who’s been around kids knows it.

I mean it’s the kind of cry that makes you think somebody lost a limb …

If nothing else, I’m thinking that a trip to the hospital is in somebody’s future.

At last I see the source of the hideous noise…

A noise that makes me wonder why I drank so many bourbons last night and how on earth did I manage to be in THIS Woolworths on THIS day at THIS time?

The source of the noise is a young girl perched on her mothers’ hip …

As I see her, she stops her tirade …

She has blonde hair and is wearing a pink dress with a blue vest over it.

Her face is blotchy and red …

Little tears running down her face …

She’s actually pretty cute …

Oh it’s nearly heart-breaking …

Then that god-awful noise starts again …

Yeah, it’s no longer heart-breaking …

I just wanna kill the kid …

Anything to make her be QUIET!

But then I’d have to leave the slow lane … and it’s my turn next!

Oh well …

The mother then puts the little girl down on the floor, takes her hand and walks past me on their way into the store.

I think, Geez is that safe? Didn’t the kid break a limb or something?

She walks past me …

She looks at me with defiance… it’s that look that all mother’s who have screaming kids in public have …

I try to give her a sympathetic smile …

But the kid’s piercing scream continued …

I think my smile looked more like a grimace with one end of my mouth upturned …

Okay, I made a stupid face.

The mother continues walking and then I hear her say in a nice but firm tone …

“Look darling, Mummy doesn’t think you’re a dog …Mummy just thinks this is easier is all”

What … the … heck?

I mean this kid is like five years old …

Isn’t this the kind of thing that you’d only bring up with, oh you know, a psychological practitioner of some sort?

In confusion, I stare at their backs as they walk away from me.

And I suddenly notice …

The kid is wearing a vest that has a leash coming out of the back of it!

The leash is attached to the mother’s wrist!

Yep, the mother was walking the kid like it’s her dog!

Oh. My. God!

I have heard about these things… at the time I thought it was a strange image …

I also thought that for some kids it could be useful …

I remember one time, when I was about five years old; I lost my parents in a shopping centre.

I cried for ages until someone took me to the information desk with the microphone and they called out for my distraught parents to come and collect me.

If I had had a leash, I wouldn’t have had to go through the stress and worry …

And my parents would have obviously benefited …

But you know … it NEVER occurred to me … that a young kid would watch you put the leash on the dog to go for a walk … and then watch you take out a similar contraption to be put on herself …

And be offended!

I thought the psychological trauma wouldn’t kick in until much later in life …

That poor kid!

What a smart kid though!

Man, that’s the kind of trauma that makes you become a serial killer isn’t it?

Mental note: Don’t be living in this town in about 15 years time …

Dear God … did the kid see me?

Welcome to the Neighbourhood … local style

Yesterday, I receive in the mail a flyer from the local community association.

It reads:

“Meet and Greet Night; To welcome new residents. Friday 17^th October From 5p.m. Free glass of champagne and nibblies on arrival. Full meal and bar service available all evening. If you are new to the area, come along and meet the committee and residents. Have a great night and be entertained by our local crooner, [Some Guy]“

Wow … what a good idea …maybe if I attend I can get people to stop staring at me in the street …

Maybe I’ll get a chance to woo them with my brilliant personality …

Or simply explain the reason why I wear a stocking on one leg.

My mind fills with visions of me theatrically putting a hand over my forehead, head turned yelling “I am not an animal!” … followed by … “It’s a medical condition”  

Okay that might be a tad over the top.

New vision: I am circulating amongst my small town community with ease and charm as I tell them the woes of my disabled leg and the injustices of the public health system in this country …  plus didn’t it say something about a free drink?

Next problem; convince the fiancée.

Fiancee is a computer nerd … dealing with people is not his strong point.

No problem I’ll just flutter my little eye-lashes … and employ my persuasive skills …

Yeah, I’m going to have to work harder than Keanu Reeves trying to set his face into an expression …

“Honey …” I say ever so sweetly.

“Mmmm…” Fiancee refuses to look up from his computer ..

“Are you busy, hon?” I continue despite his inability to move his head even an inch from the computer screen.

Fiancee sighs … did I see him roll his eyes? “One sec” he says

I start planning my verbal plan of attack … in my head of course.

Five minutes later Fiancee turns away from the computer and gives me his undivided attention.

Here goes …  (watch my highly tuned skills of persuasion)

“Guess what?” (don’t wait for an answer or he’ll suspect he’s about to be talked into doing something he doesn’t want to do) “We got this really interesting flyer in the mail”

“Uh … huh” he sounds confused …Why is he confused already, it’s only a flyer!

I pick up the orange paper of interest and sashay over to his side putting eye-lash fluttering into full effect … I thrust the paper under his nose with triumph … ha!

“See it’s a welcoming committee” I start

Fiancee is silent … this could still go either way here …

I continue “Wouldn’t you like to meet some people in the area?”

“No” says Fiancee flatly.

“But hon, it says there are free drinks and food … and bar service all night … it sounds pretty flash for a small town … it could be fun” (back to the eyelashes – don’t forget the eyelashes)

“But I have free food and drinks here at home … and if I go to the bottle shop I too can have bar service” he says with a playful yet smug grin.

Okay subtle isn’t my thing obviously … patience too doesn’t figure much in my personality … I give up the pretences and go for broke ..

“Okay, I want to go” I breathe out while talking … had I been holding my breath?

“Okay, I don’t want to go” he says flatly but can’t seem to shake his smug smile …

Steam starts pouring from my ears … his stupid smug smile is getting under my skin … deep breath … don’t give up

“Honey, it could be my chance to explain to people why I wear a stocking on one leg and get them to stop staring at me” I say imploringly.

He rolls his eyes “I’m sure you’re over-reacting and that was all in your head … she probably thought she knew you or something”

Why is it men never believe you when you tell them people are staring at you?

But that’s a different battle; he’s simply trying to distract me with a new argument to make me forget the current one … very cunning… but I’m not falling for it!

I decide to try the I’m really sad tactic .. I look at the floor and say quietly “Honey it’s nearby and you never know who you might meet, it could be fun”

“Where is it then?” Fiancee says, still not convinced but he seems to be weakening … or he’s just toying with me for his own sick amusement

I grab the flyer … sensing victory … but keeping the smile off my face …

Wait a minute …

I know there’s a location here somewhere … or an address …

Oh. My. God!

No location. No address. Nothing!

I whisper this revelation to Fiancee dejectedly.

Fiancee is laughing …

loudly …

at my expense.

Fiancee might be cashing in his ambulance insurance if he doesn’t stop laughing.

They really don’t like new people in this town do they?

I’m guessing that woman that was staring at me the other day was the president of the community association …

When you think about it it’s pretty funny …

Hey newcomers there’s a party for you in your honour … you’re welcome to attend …

if you can find it …

I had my outfit picked out and everything.

I’m totally crushed.